Please note this is a draft from Mr. Franken. It is not a transcript.
1994
By the way, George is correct. I did help write the Harry and Louise parody that the Clintons taped for the Gridiron. And it was very successful. Got a standing ovation. Evidently, the only person in Washington who didn't like it was Sam Donaldsen. He said on Brinkley that the parody made fun of death and that you can't do comedy about death. Tell you what, Sam. I'll make a little deal. You don't make any rules about comedy. I won't make any rules about hair.
Now people ask me, if I do something like that for the White House, do I make any money. Actually what happened this time, instead of paying me, Hillary offered to invest a thousand dollars for me. I took her up on it, and let's just say I'm very very happy. Where are we now? Soybeans?
Before I go any further, a small caveat. I've never really performed for a Washington crowd like this, and I don't know your sensibilities. Now there are a couple jokes in here that might be a little risky. I mean I like 'em, but...anyway. So, if I do a joke tonight that offends anyone, if I say something completely out of line, if I make a total jerk of myself, I will simply apologize and move on. I mean it seams to have worked for Alan Simpson.
Now I don't get to Washington a lot, so at the pre-dinner cocktail parties I was doing some Washington star-gazing. I saw Ed Rollins. Ed, you here? I understand this is your first public appearance since November. Welcome back. I like Ed Rollins. Though he does brag a lot. At the party I overheard Ed bragging that while in college he paid a prostitute 500 dollars to do nothing.
But I do like Washington. Mainly I think because when I do come to town, I stay at the Aldrich Ames estate. And it's nice. I stay in the guest house. Swim in the pool. He lets me drive the Jag. And the servants are great. Is Woolsey here? What was that about? But actually Ames had a pretty convincing explanation for the money. He said it was his wife's, that she won it trading on the commodities exchange. (TO HILLARY) OK, that's the last one.
Now tonite's dinner is being aired live on C-SPAN. Those of you watching at home might want to flip back and forth to C-Span 2, because there's a fascinating panel discussion from the Shorenstein Barone Center on the press, entitled "Constant Self Re-evaluation- Useful Exercise or Giant Wankathon?" I can't wait to see what side Marvin Kalb comes down on. I think Wankathon. Don't you?
Now I ran these jokes by someone here in Washington whom I consider a taste arbiter. And Tipper said these jokes were fine...for adults. Which could be a problem with all the kids who watch C- SPAN when their parents aren't home.
By the way for those of you listening on radio. Seated at the head table are...Terrance Hunt of the Associated Press, David Brock of the American Spectator, Lani Guinear of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the President of the United States, to his left, Zoe Baird of New Haven, Connecticut, Hector and Consuelo Vasquez, Ms. Baird's driver and nanny, Arkansas state trooper Bobby Fortenberry, to his left Jay Stephens, an attorney form Alexandria, Virginia, the First Lady, businessman Nyungen Binh Hac, who I understand is a friend of Ron Brown's, of Ho Chi Minh City and Los Angeles, his wife Mai Kao Hac, and their four children. Admiral Bobby Ray Inman is expected momentarily. (Senator George Mitchell of Maine, Marge Schott of Cincinatti) (The Honorable Henry Waxman, ______ of RJR Reynolds)
But I thought since this is on C-SPAN Brian Lamb would want me to put my role at this dinner in some kind of historical context. By the way I love Brian Lamb. He had a spellbinding booknotes interview this month with the author of the definitive analysis of sliding pay-scales for G-S level federal employees. Anyway, George faxed me a list of entertainers who have performed at his dinner. Anyway, I decided to look at how the entertainment at the White House correspondents dinner has evolved over the years. Very interesting. Now this is all true. Right, George? First of all, they used to have a much bigger bill. In 1945 Frank Sinatra, Danny Thomas, Jimmy Durante, Fanny Brice and Danny Kaye all performed. This year it's me. We do live in an era of diminished expectations. Now during the Eisenhower years you had some tremendous legends. Nat King Cole, Dizzy Gillespie, Bob Hope, James Cagney. Performing for Jack Kennedy you had Barbara Streisand, Benny Goodman, Duke Ellington. Now in 1969, at President Nixon's request, the entertainment was Disneyland's Golden Horseshoe Revue. And he wonders why he was driven from office. Now since 1983, you've had the one comedian, Mark Russell, Rich Little, Jay Leno. But here is the best part of the list George sent me. There are years here where no one is listed and it says simply "records missing." (shows fax to someone)
Am I right? 1949-1952 records missing. 1957-1960 records missing. 1965 no record. Now what does that say about the state of American journalism if the White House correspondents can't find out who spoke at your own dinner? George, am I right? Your organization cannot find out who spoke to your dinner in 1965. Maybe we should appoint a special counsel to unravel this mystery. I mean maybe the records were shredded. I mean you're all coming down on the President because he can't remember exactly how much he lost on a land investment fifteen years ago. Tell you what. Fifteen years from now in the year 2009, if someone asks you who performed at your dinner in 1994, it was me.
Now I know you guys are in a period of self-examination...this week. And that's good. Because you guys go back and forth so fast. I was at the Renaissance Weekend this New Years and there were members of the press corps there. Who received some criticism for it, mainly from colleagues who weren't invited, supposedly because the event was off the record, and I guess somehow being there was a compromise of journalistic integrity. And it was really sad to see the way these guys sucked up to the President. Wolf Blitzer, for instance, was actually the President's caddie. And Howard Fineman was just shameless. Every night at dinner he actually gave his dessert to the President. It was pathetic. "Now, Howard, you sure you don't want that cheesecake." "Ah, no sir, go ahead, I really don't like the strawberry topping on the cheesecake." "Well, I could just scrape off the topping and eat that and you could have the rest of the cheesecake." "No, no, Mr. President. The topping just ruins the whole piece of cheesecake." "OK, if you're sure."
Andrea Mitchell was the only one with any spine. She actually threatened the President. She said if she didn't get an exclusive interview, she'd see to it that short term interest rates went up.
While we're on the subject of monetary policy - I'd just like to predict that M-2 will accelerate at a rate much faster than the Fed has predicted, and the long bond will grow at least 70 to 80 basis points. I don't know exactly what that means, but I've always wanted to say it on C-SPAN.
Now as you know Renaissance is a long weekend of socializing, family fun, a lot of panels on the problems of the day. And the participants agree not to discuss what was said or what happened, especially not with the press. But I figured what would the harm be if tonight I shared a few of the highlights. So here goes.
Senator Fritz Hollins at a panel discussion entitled "Racist Jokes I've Decided not to Tell" just blanked.
At the Renaissance Volleyball game Richard Viguerie taunted Justice Harry Blackmun, repeatedly yelling "Show me your serve, baby killer."
President Clinton used the four days out of the public eye to undergo a series of painful liposuction procedures.
At a panel on health care reform the First Lady announced that her comprehensive package would cover people with the willies but not those suffering from the heebie jeebies.
At a panel entitled You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets, Wolf Blitzer admitted that his real name is Leslie Blitzer.
Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan was seen leaving dinner sneaking shrimp back to his room.
During a session on crystal healing held in an Indian Sweat Lodge, Richard Viguerie exposed himself to Phyllis George.
And Zoe Baird screamed at the kitchen help.
Seriously. Zoe Baird was very nice, and screamed at no one. But since this is a Washington crowd, just curiously, how many here have a Zoe Baird problem? Really. I mean, you know, just at some point didn't pay social security taxes for a domestic worker. How many here? See the thing is, we have a complete guest list here, and I suppose if it comes out later that you have a problem, then it can kind of be construed that you were lying. So, really, honestly... huh? No one?
Now I wanted to show you guys a tape from the Renaissance Weekend. It's something I'm pretty proud of...Can we show that tape?
(LIGHTS DIM-FIRST SEGMENT OF TAPE)
OK. Here I am, playing touch football with the President of the United States. That's me at quarterback and the President is one of the receivers. OK. Now every big game calls for a big play, and at this point the score was tied, and now listen to the play I call.
(SECOND SEGMENT)
OK. So I set up the defense. I've got them all thinking that if they block a pass intended for the President they get to spend a night in the White House. Now watch this. It worked like a charm.
(THIRD SEGMENT)
There's me. There's the President. OK, he's going out to your left. Now watch the pump fake! See them go for it. Look at this guy. This guy's thinking Lincoln bedroom. Now watch the far right side of your screen. Watch that release. The bomb! Six points!! OK, now watch the President. He comes over and hugs the guy. There. OK, now the President's just going nuts. OK, look at the top left of your screen. That's my son. Played touch football with the President. OK, watch the left side again. There's me. I'm coming for my hug...aaaaand...nothing.
(LONG PAUSE)
So. Whitewater.
Hey, I gotta do some Whitewater. I'm not Garrison Keillor. (TO THE PRESIDENT) But I think you'll like where I'm going.
Anyway, I've been looking into this whole Whitewater thing, and I have to say if I were the Clintons I wouldn't be worried about any illegalities, or even anything unethical. But, you know, I might be worried about something embarrassing. Like if it came out that I had lunch with this MacDougal guy. By the way, have you noticed we've never seen any pictures of the Clintons with MacDougal? Why is that, Mr. President? Jim Leach has an interesting theory. That you are MacDougal.
And the Republicans. Especially Al D'Mato. I know I'm not the first to point out the irony of Senator Pothole spearheading an ethics inquiry. But to me it's like picking Bob Dornan to head up a mental health task force.
You know this town pays a lot of attention to polls, and I do have some recent poll data about Whitewater. It's very interesting. When asked, "Do you think the Republicans are pursuing Whitewater for partisan gain?" 48% of the respondents said yes, 29% said no, and 23% said they don't know. So as you can see, these don't knows are very important. So who are these don't knows and why don't they know. Well, when the don't knows were asked "what sex are you?" 38% said they were male, 43% said they were female, and 19% said they don't know what sex they were. Now when the same don't knows were asked, "when will you know?" 17% said would know soon. 56% said they would never know, and 27% don't know when they will know. Now when asked, "why don't you know?" 40% said they don't care, 28% said that they resent the poll, and 32% said they don't know why the don't know. What does this all mean. I really don't know.
But I do know this. That Whitewater is distracting our attention from the very important work that needs to be done. (TO PRESIDENT) Huh? Pretty good, huh?
For example. Crime. Now the President has some very good ideas. He wants a national gun buy-back program. We had a very successful one in New York. Turn in a gun, you get a free vial of crack. It has exceeded all expectations!
Also, the President's three strikes and you're out proposal. Which means different things to different people. To Pat Buchanan it means to put a Nazi war criminal away he had to be a guard at three separate camps.
Now Bob Packwood actually misunderstood the provision. He thought it was three strike-outs and you're out.
It's gotta be tough for him. And so earlier this week I called Packwood's office, and I spoke to an aide and I said, "I'm the comedian this year at the White House Correspondents dinner, and tell the Senator that if he comes, I promise not to tell any jokes about him." Well, he's not here, and it's really too bad, because I was lying, and it really would have been fun to see how uncomfortable I could make him. But there's a chance that he'll see this on C-Span, so maybe this isn't a total waste of time.
See the thing I hated most about the whole Packwood thing was the way he used alcoholism as an excuse. You people in Washington gotta stop doing that. I say if you're a U.S. Senator and you've got a drinking problem that's got you in trouble, don't use it as an excuse. Come out like a man and say I've done some things I'm not proud of, I've acted in ways not becoming a US Senator, and then simply leave it up to the people of Massachusetts.
Now let me say, that everyone I make fun of tonight, is someone I respect, someone who's years of service to this country I honor. All except for Bob Dornan. (beat) And Al D'mato. (beat) I have to be honest, I have a lot of trouble with Pat Buchanan. Alan Simpson, I really don't like him. Although he is pro-choice. And so am I. Because I personally have always felt that if abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will have abortions.
But, you know what, going back to Dornan, I do the fact that, unlike a lot of his right wing jingoistic nutcase friends, Dornan actually served in the military. You know, during the campaign, the President took a lot of hits from the Republicans for, well, draft dodging. Let's be frank. But, you know, at least he was against the war in Vietnam. People like Dan Quayle were for the war; they just felt that someone else should fight it. And I think it's interesting if you look at the military records of some of the President's severest critics. Newt Gingrich, 2S, student deferment. Important to be in school. Phil Gramm, teaching deferment. Teaching history. No doubt the Domino Theory. Pat Buchanan, a man who jogs everyday. 4-F, bad knee. Rush Limbaugh: 4-F, way, way too fat. Now here's an interesting one. Arnold Schwarznegger, big Reagan-Bush supporter, was in Austria during Vietnam, so he couldn't fight. But he says he would have fought in World War II, like his father did.
But let's be fair. Let's make fun of some Democrats. The Vice President is here on the dais. (reads index card) Hmmm. Oh boy. OK here is the joke I've been worried about. Tipper, would you come up here? (Tipper comes up) Is this the kind of joke the Vice President would have a problem with? (shows joke to Tipper) Read the whole joke, before you decide. OK, great. Thanks.
OK, Tipper says it's OK for adults. Of course, that would create a problem with all the children who watch C-SPAN when their parents are not home. Anyway, here's the joke: The Vice President continued to prove his commitment to the environment yesterday, when he agreed to change the policy on the stick up his butt. Evidently, instead of replacing the stick every day with a new one, he's going to keep the same stick there throughout the administration. And if they get re-elected in '96, that will save an entire rain forest.
OK, that's the last time I trust Tipper's judgment. But I admire the Vice President tremendously. I mean his advocacy of the Information Superhighway. Which again means different things to different people. To Al Gore it means unemployed aerospace workers accessing a video classroom to retrain themselves for the conversion from a cold war economy to an information economy. To Clarence Thomas it means twenty-four hour a day pornography.
Actually, that's why instead of the Information Superhighway, I call it the Infotainment Superhighway. Because let's face it, we live in an era where the wall between news and entertainment has been eaten away like the cartilage in David Crosby's septum. OK, that's not really fair. Because mainly he free-based. But the point is still the same.
Is Strom Thurmond here? Because I was kinda hoping the C-SPAN cameras could get a shot of Howell Heflin explaining that joke to Strom. But I like Strom. Mainly because he's the only Senator who still refers to a microphone as "the machine."
But it is truly the Infotainment Superhighway, and most of here in the media are what I call "infotainers." Connie Chung is an info- tainer. Maybe more info than tainer, Her husband is more tainer than info. Rush Limbaugh is a dis-infotainer. He's very entertaining while he spreads disinformation.
And the Infotainment Superhighway needs constant feeding. Especially with things like scandal. And that's what all this Whitewater stuff is about. Sex is always good. Remember a couple years ago when Wilt Chamberlain revealed that he had had over 20,000 sexual encounters. Remember how much play that piece of information got? Actually, I've kept track of my sexual encounters. (proudly) 217. (beat) All with my wife. Not bad. Considering we've been married eighteen years. Are you with me fellas?
And, of course, now we have the Chuck Robb thing. Where he admitted having sex with women other than his wife. I guess what bugged me is that he says he never lied in the past. That he always said, "I never slept with another woman." I mean I slept with a woman this morning on the Metroliner.
Of course, Robb may well be running against Ollie North. Reagan, of course, sent that letter saying that North was a liar. North's response to that was..."yeh?" And North has given a pretty compelling reason why he'd make a good senator. He says that if he was serving on a committee and a witness was lying during a hearing, that he could tell.
Anyway, I met the Robbs at Renaissance. And they were both very nice. Linda is terrific. Especially considering she's the daughter of the man who killed Kennedy. What? You didn't see JFK? Evidently, Kennedy wanted to get out of Vietnam and the Joint Chiefs and CIA and Lyndon Johnson and the mafia and Clay Shaw would have not of it. Well, wait a minute. What am I doing? I'm talking to a room full of people who have spent their entire careers covering this up. Well, I don't care. Because we in Hollywood have the courage to tell the truth. Wherever it may lead. Well, I've done it. All I can say is if I'm murdered I think you'll know who's responsible. Cokie!!!
Anyway, JFK will be a permanent part of the Infotainment Superhighway. As are some other movies that some people here have performed in. Dave had cameos from a lot of people here in Washington. Very adorable movie. Everyone involved looked very good. About month later I go to Rising Sun; I'm watching a scene where scene where a fictitious Senator is being interviewed about trade relations with Japan by Michael Kinsley, Eleanor Clift, and Clarence Page. Cut to...a guy havin non-coital relations with a hooker. I got some advice for you people. Read the entire script.
And of course the American political system now is not particularly kind to candidates who are not good infotainers. Paul Simon talking to Paul Tsongas. "Paul, I really want to thank you for supporting the balanced budget amendment." "Of course, I would support it, we have to get our spending under control and have a plan for our economy." "You know, Paul, you should have been elected President." "No, should have been elected President." "No, you should of. I don't know why you didn't win" "No, I don't know why you didn't win." "You think it was the bow tie?" "Maybe it was the bow tie, (cough)."
OK, for this joke, we're going to play "You Write the Joke." I'll do the set-up and then when I go like this...I want you to say the punchline. Ready? Representative Henry Waxman admitted today that he smoked a cigarette while in college. But, said Waxman... [AUDIENCE: "I DIDN'T INHALE!"]
Well, we've had some fun. At some people's expense. And that's OK. That's what these things are about. But if you don't mind, I'd like to get serious for a minute here. Because these are pretty serious times we live in. And I'd like all of you to use your imagination a little. I want you to imagine a different kind of Washington. A Washington where members of Congress can spend their time solving people's problems instead of attending endless fundraisers. Where there aren't lobbyists from special interest groups around every corner holding some huge check. A Washington without revolving doors. Where lawyers and experts can't trade on their government experience for enormous consulting contracts. A Washington where journalists can simply practice their craft. Where they don't have to fight for a spot on some TV roundtable show so they can command big lecture fees at universities.
(BEAT)
Pretty scary, huh?
Well, I'm done. But I do want to say that this truly has been an honor, and let's see if the President hugs me.
